Women receive mixed signals about what it takes to attract a high-value man.
And by high-value man, I’m strictly not talking about someone looking to cash you out in some form of covert prostitution or transactional relationship. I mean a man that is emotionally intelligent, supportive, and successful in his chosen arena. Someone you can grow with.
When it comes to attracting men of this caliber, the signals are getting crossed or overtly obscured.
You’re taught to think only of yourself and your needs without consequence and end up attracting the wrong kind of man.
You’re taught to think like a man, level up, and ‘get the bag’, while subconsciously believing your knight in shining armor will emerge in awe of your accomplishments—just to end up successful and alone.
And in the most baffling development of all, women are even being taught to look down on other women who want to be in relationships. See the Pick Me vs. Pass Me movement.
The underlying factor that keeps women confused is that these messages are coming from other women. Worse, they come from women with no verifiable history of successful, long-term healthy relationships.
This often leads to self-congratulatory wish lists based on how you think things should be.
But if you view the world through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags look like normal flags.
Women who find love and are attracting high-value men are high-value women.
Outside of long-term relationships, learning to become a high-value woman will also make you a more valuable member of your family and community. It’ll also help you weed out the toxic women in your life so you build strong, lifelong friendships.
This article will offer you real advice on how to not only attract a man but the type of man you can build a healthy relationship with.
1. Use your body language wisely
Human beings give off mating signals to the opposite sex just like any other animal. Your facial expressions, posture, and general body language can attract or repel a potential partner.
You make yourself more attractive when you…
- Smile. A genuine smile given at the right time expresses confidence and attractiveness. Not only is it disarming, but it‘s also contagious. Smiling is generally associated with happiness and femininity1 and is considered the most attractive facial feature for women.
- Make eye contact. Studies show that eye gazing or staring into someone’s eyes increases oxytocin, making you more attractive.2 If your eye contact is fleeting, it signals that you’re uncomfortable, uninterested, or unavailable. But you don’t have to stare. 3 seconds is enough to get your point across.
- Lean in. Just like eye contact, leaning in shows interest and engagement. Women naturally do this and also show their breasts but you want to be mindful that you aren’t sending out sexual signals too soon.
2. Develop your confidence
Women who like themselves come off as more genuine and likable. ‘Fake it ‘till you make it’ will help you take calculated risks but when it comes to relationships, we can sniff out a fake in a second.
In dating, confidence leads to fewer arguments and insecurities, fewer misunderstandings, and learning to argue less in general. Confidence, not arrogance, is a growth signal that you are a person to build a life with. Confidence also triggers your halo effect, amplifying your attractiveness overall.
Develop your confidence by:
- Learning a new skill
- Taking up a hobby
- Becoming more charismatic
3. Play it cool but don’t play hard to get
A recent study revealed that human beings’ capacity for attraction is tied to their ability to understand the other person’s motivations. 3
In other words, you likely already lost your potential mate simply by confusing him. Not returning calls, playing hard to get, and acting like you’re busier than you are only signals that you’re not available.
You can take it slow but pretending you’re not interested is not going to get the type of man you want.
The exact opposite is also true.
Asking questions about marriage and kids on a first date is a sign that you aren’t mature enough to follow the natural pattern of attraction and relationships. You don’t have to lay all your cards on the table up front, but don’t be so opaque that you’re sending mixed signals.
Attraction and closeness develop with a series of increasingly intimate questions. But don’t force it, let your conversations and intimacy gradually deepen.
4. Fix your relationship with men
Men seek to get into relationships with women that are supportive and genuinely like them. That’s hard to do if you are innately mistrustful of men.
Women who didn’t grow up with a positive male role model are combative and/or mistrustful of men and masculinity. This is a red flag to men who want to be in relationships. My advice is to actively seek out platonic relationships with men.
Improving your relationships with men, in general, will help you see men more as partners than adversaries.
You want to avoid men with these red flags.
5. Don’t be boring
Most people are uninteresting. Happy hour, binging Netflix, and complaining about a job you hate gets old really, really fast, and it’s not interesting to someone long-term.
You might distract a man long enough with sex but if sex is the only gear you have, it can be downright off putting.
In The Art of Seduction, Robert Greene uses influential women from history to show how attractive women lose influence as they get older when they don’t have other interesting traits or skills. In short, you need to have a personality if you hope to get into a lasting relationship.
If you’re in a cycle of first dates or short relationships, (and you’re choosing the right men) it may be valuable to get a hobby. Read how to make yourself more likable for more tips on being a person other people love being around.
6. Avoid the dating red flags
Being a side chick, having multiple baby daddies, and having crazy exes are all red flags.
Anyone can end up in any of these situations once. Multiple times is a sign that you lack discernment, discipline, or the ability to learn from past mistakes.
The number of men you have been with is also a red flag. This is more because of what it does to you rather than some arbitrary rule about chastity. Studies show that for women, the more sexual partners you’ve had, the harder it is for you to bond with a new man.4 So you end up in a cycle of meaningless, serial relationships.
I asked a prominent female matchmaker and dating coach to weigh in on what a high-value woman looks like. You can read her article here: 9 traits of high-value women.
7. Have standards
The boundaries you set are tied to the standards you set for yourself.
- Acting with class and refinement
- Your own sense of femininity that isn’t tied to trends and social media
- Having a sense of pride and purpose
- Choosing men that are loving, respectful, and successful
- Being a good listener and communicator
- Taking care of your health and hygiene
8. Make yourself as (naturally) attractive as possible
Men on average date women more attractive than them. While women date men with higher incomes, status, and physical strength. Studies show the amount of makeup women wear is based on false perceptions of what men want from them.5 More often than not, women try to copy images of popular women in media that may get sexual attention from men.
Don’t mistake sexual attention for relationship desire. Both men and women fantasize about sex with partners far more attractive than they’d prefer to date.
Studies also show the more makeup a woman wears, the less trustworthy she appears.6 This is a similar effect to why people are innately afraid of clowns. Makeup conceals your natural features and can obscure your facial expressions.
You may not wear makeup for men’s desires but it’s valuable to you in your own life to understand this point.
Avoid excessive body modifications, face fillers, or wild hair colors. These can signal instability, impulsiveness, or untrustworthiness.
I’m not saying you should try to look like a supermodel, but you’ll look better than most of the population simply by:
- Getting your weight down to a level that fits a healthy body mass index for your height (BMI)
- Starting a healthy eating and exercise routine
- Finding a hairstyle that fits your style and facial structure
- Taking care of your skin and hygiene
- Wearing clothing that is fashionable and that fits your body type and personality
- Using minimal makeup and accentuating your natural beauty
9. Live with intention
Finally, know what you want out of your life. That includes your family, health, relationships, career, etc. A high-value woman is an asset to not only her man but to her family, community, and herself. Living with intention cuts through the years of wandering aimlessly and facing countless setbacks that only collect emotional baggage.
When it comes to finding a significant other, you don’t need an exhaustive list but know what a high-value man looks like. Read my article on 4 unfakeable traits of a high-value man to learn more.
Final thoughts on how to attract a man
Attracting a high-quality man doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not complicated but it does take effort and time to develop yourself.
You’re far more likely to win the man of your dreams by understanding what men look for instead of what you or society thinks it should be.
In short, here’s how to attract a man:
- Master your body language
- Exuding confidence by being comfortable in your own skin
- Don’t play hard to get
- Build strong, platonic relationships with good male role models
- Pick up a hobby to make yourself more interesting
- Date mindfully and bring something to the table other than sex
- Set standards for yourself
- Make yourself as naturally attractive as possible
- Live with intention
Tracy, J. L., & Beall, A. T. _APA PSYCNet. _Happy guys finish last: The impact of emotion expressions on sexual attraction. (2011). Emotion, 11(6), 1379–1387. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0022902 (accessed February 5, 2023) ↩
Kellerman, Joan & Lewis, James & Laird, James. Looking and loving: The effects of mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love. (1989).Journal of Research in Personality. 23. 145-161. 10.1016/0092-6566(89)90020-2. https://doi.org/10.1016/0092-6566(89)90020-2 (accessed February 5, 2023) ↩
Anders, Silke. De Jong, Roose. Beck, Christian. Haynes, John-Dylan. Ethofer, Thomas. Edited by Susan T. Fiske, Princeton University, Princeton, NJ, and approved February 11, 2016 _PNAS: _A neural link between affective understanding and interpersonal attraction. (2016) https://www.pnas.org/doi/abs/10.1073/pnas.1516191113 (accessed February 5, 2023) ↩
Wolfinger, Nicholas, H.. _Institute for Family Studies: _Counterintuitive Trends in the Link Between Premarital Sex and Marital Stability. (2016) https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability/ (accessed February 5, 2023) ↩
Buunk, Bram & Dijkstra, Pieternel & Fetchenhauer, Detlef & Kenrick, Douglas. ResearchGate Age and Gender Differences in Mate Selection Criteria for Various Involvement Levels. (2002). Personal Relationships. 9. 271 - 278. 10.1111/1475-6811.00018. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227715591_Age_and_Gender_Differences_in_Mate_Selection_Criteria_for_Various_Involvement_Levels (accessed February 5, 2023) ↩
Etcoff, N. L., Stock, S., Haley, L. E., Vickery, S. A., & House, D. M. (2011). Cosmetics as a feature of the extended human phenotype: modulation of the perception of biologically important facial signals. PloS one, 6(10), e25656. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0025656 (accessed February 5, 2023) ↩