This is a guest post by Monique De Leon. She is a worship leader, author and motivational speaker who travels internationally inspiring others through music, writing, and bold messages on modern topics.
At 41, Monique remains a virgin and fervent advocate for abstinence - a perspective she brings uniquely from both scripture and relatable life experience. Raised in Southern California, she has walked the challenging road of purity against cultural trends.
Monique has written three books and created online courses that encourage singles to build relationships on faith rather than compromising with society’s lowered standards. She also mentors individuals desiring a different path.
Passionate and eloquent, Monique aims to uplift and equip people to thrive spiritually and relationally on their own terms. Her story and wisdom help many navigate modern pressures to conform.
You can learn more about Monique’s ministry and message of purposeful purity at her website PursuingPurity.info.
This is a story you probably haven’t heard before. Or at least one you haven’t heard in a looooong time! I understand that this topic is not a popular one. Talking about abstinence in this day and age is not cool…or sexy. But I believe it’s necessary for the world in which we live today.
We are bombarded with sexual images all day long that it has just become ‘normal’. So much so that sex is used to sell everything. From gum to insurance to cars to burgers to clothes…everything! In a culture that has become so over sexualized, I think swinging the pendulum back the other way would do our culture some good.
The idea of waiting until marriage to have sex is such a foreign concept now, when it actually used to be a normal way of life. You’ve probably been convinced that it’s not possible, that it’s so ridiculous and unnecessary.
And if you believe that way, that’s fine. But as you continue reading perhaps you will see it from a new light and gain a different perspective on sex.
The Response
I have no qualms about telling people that I’m a virgin and waiting until marriage. I am not embarrassed by that at all. There’s a stereotype in people’s minds when they think of someone who is a virgin and I actually want to shatter the stereotype.
People think there must be something wrong with you. They think you must be ugly, overweight, can’t get a date or socially awkward. But let me tell you friends, that is NOT the case over here! 🙋 I have had plenty, and I mean PLENTY of opportunities.
But I’ve chosen otherwise. It’s honestly a bit amusing to see people’s reactions.
Shocked: Eyes wide open and jaw hitting the floor
Disbelief: “No way! I don’t believe you!”
Surprise: The kind where someone tells you something as you’re taking a drink of water and you choke on it, followed by, “Are you serious?”
Pity: The shaking of the head (“you poor thing…”)
Amazement: “Wow! I didn’t know there were any still out there. That’s awesome!” All said with a big smile.
So, I have experienced an array of responses throughout the years.
What it’s been like dating with a commitment to wait until marriage
Contrary to popular belief, I have had no trouble dating. Simply because I only date men who are remaining abstinent themselves. There are actually numerous individuals out there who are abstinent. They may not be virgins, but they have chosen that this time around they’re going to wait until marriage.
Now, of course, I have encountered men who have seen me as a challenge and think that they are so smooth and can sweet talk their way into my underwear. But they quickly learn that I actually practice what I preach.
That’s not to say that I can’t be tempted though. People tend to think that I have no sexual desire, as though I’m not human. Ummm I have hormones just like you! And if you touch me just right I’ll go crazy like anyone else. But I just don’t put myself in those situations.
I found that I have actually earned the respect of a lot of men. Because they have an understanding that on any given day, I can be just like everyone else. But I’m choosing to give my future husband the gift of all of me on our wedding day. Something that is actually very beautiful.
I’m still a virgin because sex more than “just sex”
You see, that’s just it. We have lost the value of marriage in our culture, and thus the value of sex. Sex has been reduced to just something so small and insignificant, like it’s no big deal. It doesn’t mean anything. “It’s just sex.” It’s so much more than that.
I believe that we have not been taught the whole picture of sex. We do not have a healthy respect for sex like we should. Sex is not just physical. But it’s also emotional and spiritual. Let me show you.
Physical safety
Obviously, sex feels good, which is why people engage in it all the time. Now, I know you know this, but I don’t believe people realize how powerful sex is. Think about it.
When you engage in sex, you can literally create another human being by doing this one act. No other work required. That’s pretty powerful! And people have sex all the time with people they don’t want a child with.
Personally, I only want to have a child with the man that I marry. So, that’s one reason why I’m waiting. But also, when it comes to STDs/STIs. Did you know that 1 in 5 Americans has an STD? And that number is climbing. Quite honestly, it’s just not safe sleeping around out here nowadays.
Emotional clarity
Because of all the “feel good” chemicals that your body is releasing during sex, that is how someone can get so emotionally attached to the person they’re sleeping with.
This creates a false sense of intimacy even though you’re not that committed to this person. It makes you think you have something intimate and deep with that person when you don’t.
You don’t even know them that well. Because sex is actually very intimate. It’s emotional. This is where you hear the term “soul tie”. This is a part of building a soul tie with someone.
Why is it so horrible when a woman is raped? All the man did was have sex with her. But she didn’t want that to happen, it was forced upon her. Which shows us that your emotions have a lot to do with sex. It’s not just physical, it’s emotional too.
Science has taught us that you can literally absorb and transfer energy to another person. So, whatever that person is dealing with, will be transferred to you as well.
I had a friend who was very promiscuous in his twenties. He told me that he would notice and wonder sometimes why he was feeling depressed, or drink more. He couldn’t understand why he was having anxiety, because that wasn’t him.
He didn’t struggle with any of those things. He said it dawned on him one day that the only thing that was different in his life when he was feeling this way were the women he was sleeping with.
The people you lay with affect you. There’s a transfer that takes place when you do. So, whoever you’re sleeping with, you take them, and their demons too.
Spiritual discipline
For me, this is the biggest reason. As someone who believes in the Bible and does my best to live a life according to scripture, I choose to wait.
Now, even if you don’t believe in God or practice another faith this principle can still apply. You see, this is how we learn that sex is so binding. In Genesis it talks about a man leaving his father and mother to be joined to his wife, and that they will become one flesh. That word “joined” literally means bound to, connected to, attached to. So, sex binds you with a person on all levels.
- Physically- because you’re participating in the act of it
- Emotionally- because there’s a transference that takes place
- Spiritually- because you’re fulfilling something God created and designed
- There’s no other way for two people to be so intimately connected than through sex.
Sexual abstience is the best way to determine long term compatibility
When choosing a life partner, it’s hard to be objective when you’re sexually intimate with someone.
- Are you really that compatible with them?
- Do you actually have the same values and outlook on life?
- Do you honestly even like this person?
I believe there is a real value in waiting until marriage. If you remove sex from many relationships, you will see they have no depth. It’s surface level only.
There is such a lack of discipline and self-control in our culture today. People aren’t encouraged to reign in their sexual appetites and practice some self-control. If you don’t learn to control it, then it will control you. And if you don’t know how to be disciplined as a single person, you will struggle to be disciplined in marriage or even in a serious relationship.
I believe this is also a part of why women are just looked at like objects. They’re only seen as someone to get something from. As though that’s all women are good for.
And women perpetuate it by allowing men to have access to them so easily. There’s so much depth to me. I am more than just a pretty face. I have placed value on myself, which is why I won’t let a man have access to me in that way. That is reserved for the one I marry.
I believe there is a real blessing and benefit in waiting until marriage to have sex. These are some of the reasons why, and I honestly encourage others to do the same.
Men, women, I’m speaking to both of you. You have so much more value than just the sex that you can bring. I hope you can see it. Because quite honestly, you’re worth the wait, and so am I.
To learn more about Monique’s approach to celibacy, check out her books Pursuing Purity Under Pressure: Encouraging Singles & Young Adults on Living Pure in Today’s World and Satisfying Single…for now! Also, sign up for her newsletter at https://pursuingpurity.info
