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dating and relationships

How to seduce a woman, the ethical way

If you’re tired of reading stuff written by sleazy pick-up artists, this is an ethical guide with no tricks or manipulation.

Ed Latimore
Ed Latimore
Writer, retired boxer, self-improvement enthusiast

Ever wondered why some guys seem to just ooze sex appeal? We all know someone who’s objectively a 6/10 at best, but has no shortage of first dates, relationship offers, or flirtations.

Whether intentional or incidental, this is a person who knows how to be seductive. Some people just naturally exude a seductive vibe. They just intuitively know how to exude sexual energy that makes them irresistible.

Others have to study dating advice and consciously learn seduction techniques. If you’re reading this article, you’re probably in this camp. However, that’s not a problem.

The good news is none of this is rocket science. Learning to seduce women is easier than you think. You just need to understand the principles of seduction. After you know those, then you can use a solid step-by-step, ethical strategy for seduction.

Now I want to give you a disclaimer: I’m not a relationship expert. I just understand people and I’ve been in a solid relationship for over a decade. What I’m teaching you is simply applied psychology that I’ve tested in my own life.

By the end of this article, you’ll know some simple ways to make yourself so sexually magnetic that your partner won’t be able to keep their hands off you. There are no tricks or lies.

Just honest seduction that results in two people finding one another.

The 10 Principles of Seduction

Seduction and sexual attractiveness are a science. The methods utilize what we understand about female psychology, biology, and sociology to become a more sexually attractive man.

Seduction may be grounded in science and basic biology, but that doesn’t mean that it will work on every woman every time. Instead, think of these principles as maximizes. Seduction principles make sure that you don’t miss a romantic opportunity that could have happened had you had them.

Think of it this way:

If a woman was going to get with you, these principles make sure you don’t ruin it. If she’s on the fence, they give you the best chance of getting her to decide in your favor. But if she’s completely uninterested in you, there’s nothing these techniques can do for you.

Humans are just animals and, as animals, we’re all searching for the best potential mate.

Women are looking for specific traits in their sexual partners, including status, health, social intuition, and pre-selection. Being seductive is all about demonstrating those traits through the way you act around women.

From that, we can posit 10 principles of seduction. Master all 10 of these basic principles, and you’ll find that you have a lot more success with the opposite sex.

1. Confidence

Confidence signals to women that you are intrinsically desirable and valuable.

Society often talks about ‘overconfidence’ as if it’s a bad thing, but that’s not true when it comes to seducing women. On the contrary, it’s quite the opposite. Overconfident guys - even when that confidence is misplaced - are more seductive, according to psychological research. That’s just the way it is.

Why? Because belief sells.

It’s a matter of social status. When we act overconfident, we confer a magical social status that women readily fall for. Belief in your own ability creates a reality distortion field, and women start to see you the way you see yourself.

This is true regardless of whether that self-confidence is justified or not. A loser who thinks he’s a king is more attractive than a king who thinks he’s a loser.

[Read: How to be more confident: 12 ways that work]

This seems paradoxical because very often, a woman’s gut reaction to overconfident guys is to think they’re jerks. However, studies show they’re more likely to climb into bed with an overconfident jerk than with a man who is realistically modest.

Their sexual desire goes against their better judgment. It seems that we can be both repulsed and seduced by the same thing at the same time.

This is likely what has given rise to cliches like “nice guys finish last”. The unfortunate reality is that, at least as far as sex is concerned, nice guys are at a disadvantage. At the very least, guys who prioritize displays of self-esteem and confidence over being reasonable and agreeable do better with women.

2. Pre-selection

Pre-selection is an evolutionary concept that states that women are more attracted to men that other women find attractive. In other words, girls like guys that other girls like.

Biologically speaking, it’s a shortcut to the selection process. She doesn’t have to go through the trouble of figuring out your worthiness as a mate because other women have already done that for her.

This is often why it seems like women are more interested in you the moment you’re in a relationship?

This also explains another dark side of attraction: why women seem to be attracted to men womanizers, despite what they say. Their reputation as womanizers precedes them and although there may be some repulsion, this is often overridden by this quirk of evolutionary biology.

Women think ‘this guy gets so many girls, I guess I should find him attractive too’, and the cycle continues.

3. Physical Attractiveness

Men that are more physically attractive will find it much easier to be seductive.

It ties into the biological urge for women to select a ‘healthy’ mate. If you’re naturally good-looking and in good shape, you’re at a major advantage.

Women will be more receptive to light touches on dates and escalation after, and are even more likely to orgasm with you, strengthening their emotional bond with you. (Check this site out for more details on this)

If you’re not blessed with natural good looks, don’t worry. Dressing well, staying in good shape, and fixing your hair nicely, can get you 90% of the way, and self-confidence will get you the rest of the way there.

[Read: How to be an attractive man]

4. Intrigue / Mystery

Let’s face it: guys are thirsty creatures, and women get hit on every day. You can bet that if you’re trying to seduce someone, you’re not the first guy to do so. As a result, women are used to being hit on - it’s boring.

But the unknown is a big part of the way we experience attraction. We’re attracted to the unknown; intrigued by things that we don’t fully understand.

Guys can leverage that in order to be more seductive. Aim to bring something new to the table. Don’t be obvious and predictable when you’re hitting on her, be mysterious and intriguing. That’s one of the most important principles of seduction.

5. Anticipation

Anticipation is another bedrock of seduction, for both sexes.

We often talk about guys ‘enjoying the chase’ when it comes to women, and the same is true in reverse. The idea that you really want something but you have to wait for it makes it all the more exciting.

To truly master the art of seduction, you’ve got to work on building anticipation and sexual desire.

6. Touch

Touch is crucial to being seductive.

Remember back when you were young and your crush’s knees bumped into yours under the desk? Remember that familiar jolt of electricity it sent coursing through your veins?

Well, if innocently bumping knees was enough to elicit that response, just imagine the sparks that fly when you put a hand around a woman’s waist, or on her thigh. Physical contact is hugely important to arousal. Master the art of the subtle, seductive touch, light touch, and everything you do will be much more effective.

Obviously, touch is also something you’ve got to be careful not to initiate unless it’s the right time and you know she’ll be into it. Otherwise, it goes from being a light turn-on to a strong turn-off.

7. Sensory stimulation

Aside from the tactile sense, her other senses are important too. A woman’s senses play a pivotal role in her sexual response.

Take the olfactory sense, smell, for example. Did you know that the pheromones in your sweat act as sexual chemosignals and can have profound effects on a woman’s mood and sexuality? Now I’m not suggesting you go out to the club after a workout, pouring in sweat - that’s not going to work. A nice aftershave, on the other hand, might work wonders.

Another example of this is finding an excellent cologne. I’ve only recently started wearing cologne in the past few years, but once you know where and how to look, then it’s a powerful tool in your arsenal.

A more practical example of how you can stimulate her senses might be playing some sexy music to get her in the mood (hearing), or taking her out to dine on aphrodisiacs like oysters and champagne (taste).

8. Eye contact 

Imagine the sexiest scene in a movie you can think of. I’m willing to bet that whatever scene you’re imagining, there’s some intense eye contact going on between the two characters, am I right?

I can’t overstate how important eye contact is. When you meet someone’s gaze, you convey a whole bunch of biological signals. Not only does meeting her gaze let you know you’re interested in her, it suggests power and confidence.

It’s also been proven in several studies that sending and receiving eye contact enhances arousal.

Of course, I’m not talking about a creepy, wide-eyed, desperate stare here, but a subtle, lingering glance in her direction followed by some intense, suggestive eye contact later on in the night is a proven recipe for success.

9. Charisma

Charm and charisma are important skills to master when you’re trying to be seductive, but a lot of people get the two confused.

Charm is making other people like you. Charisma is making other people want you to like them.

Charm is trying. Charisma is a way of being.

To master the art of seduction, you have to learn how to be a great conversationalist. You have to learn how to be compelling and appealing and radiate charisma.

Women should want you to want them. Or, at the very least, they should want to appear favorable to you and care about what you think. This is the power of charisma.

A lot of this comes down to practicing your social skills and learning how to be the center of a conversation without dominating it. You want to learn how to lead people to be curious about you without trying. This is the delicate and powerful art of conversation.

I have an excellent article that teaches you how to develop your conversation skills.

[Read: How to be more likable: 5 strategies that work]

10. Strength

For many women, the most seductive men are those with a strong, powerful, masculine presence. This again links up with evolutionary biology.

Women’s biology means they look for men that can protect and provide for them. They want strong, successful, powerful men. This is why the “strong, silent type” is an archetype of female desire.

I’m not suggesting that you try and lift up a Range Rover, or pull a sword from a stone in a show of physical strength. Strength can be demonstrated in many ways, and it doesn’t have to be physical. It can also be portrayed through things like wealth, influence, and how you interact with others.

How to Seduce a Woman

Now that you understand what a woman wants in a man, now you can execute a strategy for seducing one.

Remember: Every woman is different.

Some tactics are going to work better for some women than others.

My goal is to give you the best chance with any woman you feel sexual attraction towards. Any dating coach who tells you that you can have any and every girl you want is lying and has something to sell you.

Treat these as guidelines rather than rigid rules. Use your initiative, and don’t be afraid to mix it up if you think something’s not working or you can think of a better way to execute.

Look the Part

The first battle is with the eyes, so make sure you look the part when you’re trying to approach women.

Dress sharp when you’re going on a night out. When in doubt, make sure your clothing fits well. Anything you buy off the rack, you should get tailored to your body for maximum aesthetic. Clothes that are baggy or too tight will make you look bad, no matter how in shape you are.

Speaking of which, If you’re not in good shape already, start hitting the gym.

You don’t necessarily want to get ‘swoll’, but you should definitely try and tone up. Research from UCLA shows that women find ripped, built men sexier than both beefy, bulked-up guys and skinny dudes.

If you can, grow a beard. In one recent study, researchers found that women find men with heavy stubble and full beards more attractive than clean-shaven men and those with light stubble.

This is because facial hair is suggestive of masculinity, maturity, dominance, and aggression. It’s a secondary sex characteristic that signals you’re a strong healthy man. Since women want a strong healthy mating partner, let that 5-o’clock shadow grow out for a week or two.

Be Confident

Before you head out to meet women, you need to be comfortable in your own skin. The ability to feel confident in yourself and comfortable with who you are is commonly referred to as “inner game”.

Developing inner game is essential to feel truly confident. You need to genuinely believe that you are the prize and that women should be falling over each other to get with you.

If you don’t truly believe that, you’re going to have to fake self-confidence, and that’s not nearly as effective as the real thing. Having genuine self-belief and a towering ego is the crux of seduction. Blunt, raw swagger is what we’re aiming for.

I have a great article that teaches you how to develop confidence that you can read here.

To help you to get in the right frame of mind, start reminding yourself how great you are. Think about everything you’ve done, everything you know, and all that you’ve been through. And if you haven’t done much, then you need to start.

There are no free lunches, especially when it comes to women. Ask yourself if you would date yourself based on what you’ve done. But brutally honest. We can fix poor self-confidence if it’s undeserved, but there isn’t anything this article can do if you’re a loser.

Choose the Right Woman

I’m not teaching you how to be predatory. That’s not what this is about.

We’re not trying to manipulate women into having sex with us. We’re becoming more attractive to them so they’re more in getting with us.

Don’t try to seduce women who clearly don’t want your attention. Likewise, those already in monogamous relationships are off-limits. You never know what kind of boyfriend she has. Crimes of passion are a real thing and he may be the kind of guy who doesn’t care about going to prison.

Somewhat counter-intuitively, you’re not necessarily looking for someone you gel instantly with and have tons in common with either. After all, you’re not looking for a new best friend here, right?

Rather, the easiest women to seduce are those who might see something exotic or interesting in you. If you can offer them something new, you’ll have more interesting topics to talk about, be more exciting and mysterious, and generally more seductive.

[Read:12 rules for a man’s relationship]

Master the ‘In’

Let’s say you’ve seen a girl at the bar that you’re interested in. You’ve caught her eye and you think her gaze might have lingered a little. You fancy your chances, but you’re struggling to figure out what your next move should be. How do you approach her without coming off desperate, over-eager, or totally lame?

If you walk over directly and start with the standard ‘hey’, your intentions are too obvious. You may as well walk up and say ‘I’m going to hit on you now’. It puts her on a pedestal straight away, and the goal is to make yourself seem like the prize, not her.

However, you don’t want to go too far down the opposite route either and stand at the bar surly all night waiting for women to come to you (spoiler: they’re not going to come).

What you need is an ‘In’. An excuse to go and talk to her without making your intentions too obvious. A way to initiate a conversation without seeming like you’re trying to initiate conversation.

The trick is to approach her indirectly.

One way to do this might be to walk over tall and say something playful, maybe make a witty joke about something you’ve noticed about her, or comment on the music. Make it seem like you’re a fun-loving guy that she would want to talk to, but that you can take it or leave it.

You want to start a conversation. That’s all. There’s no need to aggressively compliment her appearance. Even though she knows you’re talking to her because you like how she looks and she put a lot of effort in to how she looks, you don’t need to start out the conversation about that.

Tell a story. Ask open-ended questions. Comment on your drink or something interesting that notice about her. Just avoid:

  • Common boring questions. Where are you from? Have you been here before? What do you do for a living
  • Pick-up lines. Even if their funny and obviously exaggerated, you likely don’t have the sense of humor to pull them off. And for that matter, she probably doesn’t have it to know they’re jokes.
  • Comments on her body. You can comment on her clothing, that’s about it. But if she didn’t have control over it, avoid commenting on it—until you’re more comfortable. Eyes, hair, ass, boobs, legs, whatever.

[Read: 5 ways to communicate and start a conversation]

Non-verbal communication

While you’re talking, think about your non-verbal language too. Conversational skills are essential, but you need to be able to use non-verbal communication, as it is one of the most powerful tools of seduction.

We can break non-verbal communication down into three areas: body language, eye contact, and facial expression. Let’s take a look at each of them.

Body Language

The most important tip here is to maintain good posture. Keep your head up and parallel to your ground and don’t slouch your shoulders.

It might seem like a small thing, but men who stand tall exude much more confidence than those that slouch. Slouching is NOT sexy or seductive. Walk like you think you’re the sexiest guy in the room.

Another tip is to be non-reactive and move slowly. Seductive guys move slowly. They don’t rush, because they don’t need to. They look calm, collected, and in control.

Eye Contact

Maintain sharp, focused eye contact with everyone you speak to in order to convey confidence, but save the super intense eye contact for when the heavy flirting begins.

Don’t just randomly start staring down a woman that you’ve not already spoken to or who hasn’t given you any indication that she’s the least bit into you.

Once the heavy flirting has started though, you can up the intensity. One technique I’d recommend is to try and focus on your reflection in her eyes. This deepens your gaze and is more effective than surface-level eye contact.

When you’re ready to turn the heat up, try looking down at the triangle between her eyes and her chest. This is called the triangular gaze and is one of the most seductive ways to use your eyes.

If she starts doing the same or looks down at your lips, it’s a good sign that she’s into you. It might be an indication that you can move in for a kiss if the time feels right.

Facial Expression

 A psychological study into how facial expressions were perceived as attractive by the opposite sex found that a brooding facial expression is the most attractive to women.

You might have thought that smiling is a good idea, but actually, it’s not. Smiling was perceived as the most attractive trait in women to male participants but it didn’t have quite the same effect the other way around. Sexual attraction is not symmetrical.

Smiling tends to elicit trust and conveys friendliness, but it isn’t effective when it comes to carnal sexual attractiveness. It can be construed as needy, weak, and desperate. Smile when you’re trying to make friends, not when you’re trying to get laid.

Keep It Classy

One of the biggest mistakes guys make when trying to be seductive is to overdo it.

There’s a fine line between “seductive” and “sleazy’” Gentlemen, don’t invite her to take her pants off right off the bat. Confidence is great, but too much confidence can make you seem deluded at best and downright predatory at worst.

Women like gentlemen. They don’t like guys that are mean, vulgar, overly aggressive, brutish, or predatory—so don’t be any of those guys.

Sure, having a bit of an ‘edge’ and playing the bad boy can work, to a certain extent, but don’t overdo it. You still want to seem like a nice, fun, stand-up guy.

But gentlemanly and “gentle” aren’t one and the same. You absolutely don’t want to come across as too gentle or too nice.

Don’t be meek, sappy, or overly romantic. It can make you seem weak, desperate, and unoriginal.

Move Slowly

Women aren’t like men. They’re not buttons you can just push to turn her on and make her wet. Rather, they’re like volume dials that you have to move up incrementally.

You have to take it nice and slow. Seduction is about the long game, not the short game. After you’ve started a conversation and the flirting is going well, build comfort and start to tone down that cockiness that you started off with.

You already have her attention, so you don’t need to keep being dismissive and overconfident all the way through. Start to try and establish an emotional connection and make her feel more comfortable around you, but don’t stray into ‘soppy’ territory.

It can take hours - or even multiple dates across weeks - for some women to become sufficiently comfortable around you to have sex. Other women might be happy to have a one-night stand. It all depends on the person.

[Read: How to get into a relationship]

Initiate Touch

After you’ve been flirting a while and she’s more comfortable around you, you can start to tentatively initiate some physical contact.

The key here is to not be sleazy. Don’t randomly grab her butt—that’s not cool. It’s also a surefire way to be slapped or spend the night in jail.

You might, however, be able to put your arm on her back or around her shoulder playfully. These are just examples, but there are lots of ways to initiate touch.

Just make sure you know that she’s comfortable with it and, again, take it nice and slow. Once you start to initiate touch, you’re building intimacy between you and sending those sparks of electricity that are so important to seduction.

Stimulate her Erogenous Zones

This step is best saved until you’re nearly ready to ‘go in for the kill’, so to speak; when you’ve spent a few hours (or several dates) with the lady in question and there’s a definite spark between you.

Once you definitely have a connection and you think she might want to come home with you, you shouldn’t be trying to convince her that you’re worth talking to anymore—you’re trying to get her horny.

One way we can do that is to stimulate her erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are areas of the female anatomy that are especially sensitive and stimulate sexual responses.

You know that classic scene from movies in which the dude shows the lady how to hold a golf club by standing behind her, reaching around, and helping her to grab the club? How the closeness of his lips to her neck inevitably heightens the sexual tension until it’s almost unbearable, and the characters succumb to their desire and passionately kiss?

Well, that’s what we’re talking about here. In that classic example, her neckline is the erogenous zone he stimulates, but there are many more. Her ears are another, and her scalp, nipples, lower back, and inner thighs.

We can easily come up with a few ways to subtly get some contact going with some of these zones and, hopefully, send sparks of electricity through her.

For example, one easy technique is to make some excuse to whisper something to her (maybe an invite back to your place).

When you lean in close to whisper into her ear, make sure your voice is breathy and sensual. The vibrations of your breath in her ear will send shivers up her spine and might just get her feeling frisky. (Side note: whispering is great for dirty talk in the bedroom too)

Another option is to place your hand on her lower back while you’re dancing. Obviously, tact is important here. Don’t do this if you don’t think it will be well-received or you might end up with a glass of water thrown on you. As I said, there’s a fine line between seductive and sleazy, and a lot of guys get it wrong.

If all goes well, she’ll start feeling horny and want to go to bed with you. If that happens, congratulations, you’re now a practicioner of the art of seduction.

Final Thoughts

That concludes this guide on how to be seductive. Follow the tips above and learn the basic principles of seduction and the ladies will be lining up in no time.

Remember though, seducing her is only half of the battle. If you want to convince her to stick around, you’ll need to satisfy her in the bedroom too.

Good luck and have fun!

Ed Latimore
About the author

Ed Latimore

I’m a writer, competitive chess player, Army veteran, physicist, and former professional heavyweight boxer. My work focuses on self-development, realizing your potential, and sobriety—speaking from personal experience, having overcome both poverty and addiction.

Follow me on Twitter.