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dating and relationships

How to get into a relationship

If you can’t spot the red flags, you’re in big trouble. This article teaches men how to effectively vet women and successfully get into a relationship.

Ed Latimore
Ed Latimore
Writer, retired boxer, self-improvement enthusiast

There’s not a lot of information out there for men on how to get into a new relationship.

Most of it is just on how to “run game” and set up a rotation of chicks from online dating.

You can easily learn how to become more attractive, aggressively flirt with and pick up girls, get one-night stands, and “spin plates” i.e., manage multiple women.

If these are your goals, then there is no shortage of information. Even if you don’t want to build a modern-day harem, a lot of the advice will improve your love/sex life.

But there isn’t a lot of information about getting into a long-lasting, healthy relationship with the right kind of person. That’s the gap this article hopes to fill.

The Game teaches you how to get laid
There's a reason this book is so popular. Every guy wants to experience this at least once in his life.

As you become more attractive, your options will increase in both quality and quantity.

Your scarcity problem becomes one of over-abundance. Congratulations! This is a big deal. You’re now on a wonderful cycle of success.

You’re aloof and hard to get because you have genuine abundance. Your aloofness makes you more attractive, thus giving you more options. You beat the game.

Except you didn’t because you’re still human. If you aren’t looking for true love, you still likely want some type of romantic relationship with a person you can true. You see the same pattern over and over again with guys who never leave this lifestyle behind.

They devote so much time and energy to getting laid that they’re never able to enter a serious relationship. When you’re younger, this doesn’t seem that important. But we all get old and ugly. The longer you do something, the harder it is to do something else. This combines into a nasty situation for guys.

Age has made them impatient, but they also don’t want to date women their own age. Furthermore, while a lot of guys become successful, most of them devoted all of their attention to getting laid and have not improved to actually be worthy of a good relationship with even an average woman.

If you end up in this position and you haven’t worked on yourself at all, there’s nothing I can tell you. However, if you are tired of being single and playing the field, there is remarkably little information out there for you.

What about the guys who reach this stage and develop new problems.

The player lifestyle is cool, but what if you want to be in a relationship?

Most guys are given bad advice on getting into a relationship

Most information says “forget feelings and go get with a bunch of other chicks”. All of the information out there warns against getting “oneitis”—the feeling of falling for a woman and seeing no other but her.

Then there’s the other extreme; “Dive right in, use your game powers to make this work. May the odds forever be in your favor”. These are the guys who think that no matter what issues a woman has, a little bit of game and a strong show of dominance can make the relationship right.

Both are approaches are unsatisfactory because they ignore reality: meeting the right person, spending time with them, navigating their red flags, and starting a meaningful relationship is a serious time and energy investment. It’s one that I feel is worth it, but you have to be smart about it.

I’m no relationship expert, but I think know more than a lot of people about human nature. At the very least, I’ve been through enough good and bad with women and I’ve tried to learn from it each time.

First, you need to know if a girl is relationship material. This is one of those things you only gain insight into after a few bad experiences.

The problem with being human is that sex and intimacy cloud rational judgment.

Even the most hardcore player is susceptible to heartbreak. Your goal is to decrease the probability of disaster while maximizing your odds of success. One of the ways this is done is via a screening protocol.

Put another way, you must learn to assess risk. This isn’t a post about how to run game or how to get your value up.

This isn’t a post about relationship management. (But this post I wrote is about being better in relationships—>How to be a better boyfriend)

This is about risk management, picking the right girl, and learning how to spot

Understand that infatuation blinds you

Risk assessment versus risk management
Risk assessment versus risk management

Understand that infatuation blinds you

 

I’m not going to break down the science of the matter here, but when you’re physical with someone and you spend time around them, you start to feel attached to them.

This article does a good job. (Read: “The Science Behind Falling In Love”)

Most relevant from this article is one particular passage from the article:

…the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and PEA (phenylethylamine) lead to focused attention. Individuals start to ‘zero-in’ on the person they desire, and at the same time, often have a feeling of euphoria. Norepinephrine is a stimulant, so it also causes individuals to feel alert, potentially unable to sleep, and enables them to notice and remember even the smallest of details about their partners. PEA is responsible for the feelings of giddiness, and may cause the loss of appetite. If the relationship doesn’t last, and PEA levels fall and are partly responsible for the feelings of depression that can be experienced.

It doesn’t matter if the person is a good match or not. The feeling of attachment is so intense that all sense of rationality dies. Infatuation makes it impossible for you to properly assess the girl in front of you.

The reason so many guys fear “catching feelings” is because it impairs their judgment. This increases the likelihood of making the wrong decision.

In the emotional fog, you might get attached to someone that’s terrible for you. On the flip side, you might also get rid of someone that is perfect for you. Though I’ve only had 3 serious girlfriends in my life, I’ve experienced both of these situations.

You need a way to reduce the possibility of making a bad decision and ending up in a toxic relationship.

The best way to do this is to only spend time with girls who meet your standards. With your increased value, there’s no reason to waste time with women who don’t meet your basic, deal-breaking criteria.

I’m not here to tell you what those criteria should be; only to tell you

The “first date” is to evaluate whether a girl meets your basic deal breakers. I’m assuming that she meets your physical standards if you’re on a date with her. Now you’re seeing if she fits your mental and emotional standards as well.

If you have no non-physical standards and are just looking for attractive girls to bang, this article isn’t for you. And if you AREN’T looking for attractive women at all, never visit my site again. I don’t want to be responsible for what the cat drags in.

Most guys are so happy to have sex with a reasonably attractive girl, they forsake personal standards, boundaries, and rules. Then there are guys that never give a girl the respect she’s earned, remaining completely inflexible about everything.

It’s their way or the highway. You don’t want to be either of these guys.

Don’t let girls mislead you

We’ve discussed the problem of over-abundance you’ll face as a high-value man. Sidenote, read the 4 unfakeable traits of a high-value man and find out what you need to work on.

Since your time is more valuable, girls will want more of it. Maintaining standards is how you automatically weed out many of them.

However, you need to watch out for girls who intentionally mislead you to get more of your time and attention. Intentional misrepresentation from women is the other problem you’ll face. It can be in anything from fake hair and eyelashes to exaggerating what they do, how much money they make, or the friends they have.

Small things like physical enhancement aren’t a big deal. The real issue is when it’s a misrepresentation of character or status.

I once had a girl tell me that she used to date NBA players and that her family was rich. Once I knew both of those things were false, I could not take her seriously anymore. Whenever someone lies, it’s to cover something up. Whether it’s internal insecurity or something even worse, it’s still a red flag that will lead to relationship issues.

They do this because a quality guy like yourself is too rare to let slip away. They’re fine trying to build a long-term relationship based on lies because to them, the ends justify the means.

We’d all like to think that we’re human lie detectors, but the reality is that the hardest man can fall for the biggest load of bullshit. Sometimes the girl is that good of a liar. Other times, it’s because you want to believe.

Either way, the goal is to make sure that you don’t fall for the deception.

(Read: “How To Become An Attractive Man”)

If you’re being true to your standards, you dramatically reduce the odds that she’s not who she says she is. Even still, if she’s physically your type, intellectually curious, and emotionally stable, you may still wonder:

Is this girl really what she seems or are you in for a world of trouble?

Is she lying to me? How to know for sure

Don't talk about your standards
Don't talk about your standards

Never mention your standards. Never mention what you expect or won’t tolerate. Simply live true to yourself. This is the best way to gauge a potential partner’s integrity and intentions.

Just evaluate the girl and at the end of the date decide if you’ll see her again. Keep this behavior up, not only for your first few dates but for a while into the relationship.

Don’t lie about what’s important to you if she asks. However, don’t go out of your way to volunteer the information either.

Some out there say you should make your standards and expectations known right up front. While I admire the theoretical self-respect of this, it’s a flawed application.

It doesn’t maximize your happiness in the relationship. And contrary to popular belief, your happiness is the most important thing in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that you achieve it by ruining someone else’s. It just means that you don’t tolerate anything from anyone that jeopardizes yours.

It doesn’t matter if it’s family members, loved ones, or a new partner. Don’t do anything to put your happiness at risk. You’ve only got a short amount of time on this planet. Don’t waste it dealing with dishonest women.

If you’re happy, then there’s a much greater chance you’re living in a way that makes anyone involved with you happy. This goes double when you don’t rely on another person to make you happy.

Use the Hawthorne Effect when meeting people

Using the Hawthorne Effect to start a relationship
Never tell the rats they're in a maze

There is a phenomenon known as “The Hawthorne Effect.”

The Hawthorne effect states: that people change their behavior according to expectations if they know they’re being observed. This is where the old saying “you don’t tell the rats they’re in a maze” comes from.

People cleverly use the Hawthorne effect to seduce and manipulate each other.

To protect yourself from someone who will present false appearances, don’t mention your rules and standards. Live by them, but don’t go out of your way to let her know how important they are to you.

This way, you are more likely to find someone who naturally aligns with what you expect in a partner rather than forcing someone to compromise or make concessions.

“He who is convinced against his will, remains of the same opinion still.”

I can’t tell you what your rules should be. That will come with your own development and experience. What I can tell you is that having rules for who gets your time is a good idea in all of your relationships; not just your romantic ones.

When your personal rules are broken and your standards are violated, you have to make a choice. Either extinguish the relationship or live with not being true to yourself.

Learn to read between the lines

There’s another practical benefit of not mentioning your rules.

This forces you to learn to read intention.

Words are meaningless and actions are often deceptive. However, intent never lies. This is why being able to read body language and microexpressions is a damn near superpower.

It will teach you to read between the lines. The only way to improve your intuition and ability to read intent is to make decisions without explicit information.

Sometimes you’ll be wrong. Sometimes you’ll be right. If you learn from each time, your intuition will improve.

People will always tell you what they think you want to hear or what will get them what they want. To protect yourself in a relationship and avoid wasting time, this skill is of paramount importance.

Relationship advice summary

  • Date women that meet your standards.
  • Let each time you see her be the only indication that you think she’s worth your time.
  • Keep your intentions disguised.
  • Let her reveal her character to you naturally.

If you follow these steps, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak. The rest is up to you.

Ed Latimore
About the author

Ed Latimore

I’m a writer, competitive chess player, Army veteran, physicist, and former professional heavyweight boxer. My work focuses on self-development, realizing your potential, and sobriety—speaking from personal experience, having overcome both poverty and addiction.

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