How to get over someone

By Ed Latimore Last modified

I got a message from a guy asking for advice on how to get over someone. To be more precise, he couldn’t get over a girl. I think he said it had been a year since they parted ways. It wasn’t clear whether he was the dumper or the dumped, but he was having trouble.

Getting rejected by a person we like is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with, but it happens to the best of us. Show me a person who’s never been dumped and I’ll show you an angry unicorn.

There are risks in the matters of the heart, but the rewards are so great that we open up anyway.

However, all things pass. Nothing lasts forever. The raging river of passion eventually turns into a stream, and then into nothing at all. That is the way of romance—eventually something causes it to end. That something will most likely not be death.

You’re going to get dumped one day. It’s going to suck but there are ways to manage the damage.  Next time you get the “I think I need some space” speech, this article will help. You will know how to get over someone.

The last time I broke up with someone was in 2007 after a 4 year relationship. I didn’t follow this protocol and the results were predictably disastrous. But any other time I was dumped or doing the dumping I took the following steps so I know it works well.

Leaving with dignity is the first step to getting over someone

So you just discovered that it’s not going to work out. Your first reaction is likely volatile. You want to scream, shout, call names, shoot up malls, and strap a bomb to your chest. Calm down.

Handle the situation with class and dignity. This isn’t to make the other person feel a certain way. They’ve made their choice and you aren’t in it. It’s not malicious. It’s a simple case of choosing what they want (freedom) over what you want (the relationship).

You keep your cool because it makes you a stronger person. If you decide you want to be friends later it increases the possibility of that happening. Above all, it allows you to retain your personal power.

A wise man once said, “no one is responsible for how we feel except ourselves.” Whether you’ve given up control a long time ago to the subconscious, emotional reactions or you consciously chose your reaction, you’re the only one that decides how you feel about anything. Without personal power, you resign control of your emotional state to the unpredictable tides of life. They will eventually drown you.

Using technology the right way is how to get over someone

Take advantage of emotionally distant forms of communication like email or texting. Many people hate the idea of breaking up over technology. They give many reasons why, but it’s all nonsense.

The real reason people make a big deal about breaking up from a distance is control. We believe crying, pleading, yelling and threatening will make the other person reconsider their position. It’s perfectly natural, but that doesn’t mean you have to go this way.

What is the real difference between breaking up in person and breaking up online? Is it really that much better to get into a messy ordeal in person? We set up so many dates via phone and text (and cancel quite a few too) that cutting off a relationship that way shouldn’t be too much of a stretch.

I should note here that there are obviously some relationships where this isn’t applicable. If you live with someone or you’re married to them, then you have to handle things in person. If you’ve taken more than a year of their time, you probably “owe it” to them. Use your own discretion.

Burying the past is how to get over someone

You don’t have to start a fire to burn down the house you shared, but you should get rid of anything your ex gave you. The site of things your ex gave you or pictures of things you did together will cause pain.

Maybe you don’t want to destroy everything. You can bury it or leave it a friend’s house until you’re over the person. Jewelry, games, pictures, clothing, underwear and the like. Put all that shit in a coffin and bury it for 8 to 12 months. By that time, you may decide you want it. Or you can leave the past buried.

Stop having sex with them

Sex with the ex can be dope, but fuck all that noise. If it was a casual fling, keep boning that bridge and don’t burn it. If you seriously dated, keeping the sex running after breaking up is a bad move

For starters, your brain will think you’re still in a relationship. You’ll expect the relationship treatment, but get casual treatment instead. You can’t meet quality people because the ex takes priority.

Instead of meeting a new people, you’re worried about the person who dumped you. This causes irrational jealously. You won’t give a new person your full attention. Instead, you are living in the past.

This can happen without post-relationship hooking up, but it’s impossible to overcome if physical contact continues. In particular, women are more susceptible to this than men.

Remember what you’re losing

I remember what caused me the most pain in my last break-up. The breakup was awful, but so was the loss of an entire social network.

This is not to say that I didn’t have my own social circle — it’s reliable and well-established. I lost her family and our mutual friends.

Some keep ties with the ex’s family. When children are involved, this makes the most sense. But in most break ups, this is a recipe for disaster. You need time away from all things involved with that person.

Give it time

It takes a lot more time than you realize to truly get over someone. A LOT MORE. What we fail to realize is that getting over someone more than just getting into another relationship.

It’s the ability to be in the presence of the person with no change in emotion—positive or negative.

The ultimate goal is neutrality. They’re neutral when thinking about them or seeing them causes no reaction

Don’t ask about them

This is not the least important. It’s just the last thing I thought of. Don’t get your private-eye on and spy on their social media accounts. Don’t ask anyone how they’re doing or who they’re seeing now.

Just let them exist in their world. You will greatly reduce the time spent in the depressing dregs of recovery. Treat them as if they are effectively dead.​

My philosophy on breaking up — and I’ve got more experience than I’d like to admit on both ends of the spectrum — can be summed up as follows: step out, move on, and don’t look back…or get on your back. The rest is up to you…