There’s a wealth of information out there on running game, meeting chicks off tinder, and learning the bachelor side of things. There is little information on being in a relationship that isn’t some beta “happy wife, happy life” nonsense.
Not every guy wants to be a lifelong playboy so I’m here to fill the knowledge gap on this side of things.
This is from my experiences as a man in a relationship for 6 years that’s going well with no sign of ending soon. Even if I was suddenly dumped, my advice is still valid. That’s because I’m not giving you techniques to make a relationship last forever—no one can do that. Instead, I’m telling you how to make sure that you are happy and fulfilled.
That’s what ultimately matters. If you read no further than the introduction, remember the following: “Happy life, happy wife”. If you get that right, you’ve won the most important battle in a relationship. Get it wrong, and you’ll hate your life and wonder why none of your relationships last.
As the saying goes, “Well begun is half done”. These are the 5 essential mindsets necessary to have before entering a romantic relationship.
Become what you want to have a happy relationship
You have to be the person you wish to attract. Actually, due to the effects of hypergamy, you need to be slightly more.
If you want an intelligent woman, you need above average intelligence. If you want a fit woman, you need to live in the gym. If you want a feminine woman, you need to be a masculine male.
The list can go on, but the point remains: whatever trait you want, you need the same trait (or it’s masculine equivalent) at greater levels than you desire.
It’s not fair, but men don’t complain about fairness. We just adapt to get what we want.
Have a life; have some goals; know your priorities
The goals aren’t to attract her. The lifestyle isn’t for her. These are for you.
No woman wants to be your top priority. What type of man only has his work, sports to watch on the weekend, and Netflix? The type who obsesses over a girl and the relationship is the type to sabotage things.
This isn’t a piece on evolutionary psychology. However, the following are the basic facts.
What men and women seek for a happy relationship
Humans sexually reproduce. For guys, most of the information used to make a mating decision is displayed in a girl’s physical appearance. It’s why we really don’t care about a girl’s personality (initially). It has no bearing on her reproductive abilities.
Women seek strength and security. They’re physically weaker and are the vessels for growing human life. This means all displays of strength, dominance, and power are attractive to women. This explains why jerks and drug dealers can get good looking women.
Strength and power are amoral. One man’s ability to protect is another man’s ability to abuse.
Forget all the modern social conditioning nonsense. This is the result of evolution. It’s occurred over the course of millions of years. 100 years of social upheaval won’t change this.
In her search for a provider and protector, she can’t tell much about you beyond your appearance. The rest of your life and your behaviors provide a clue to your evolutionary fitness.
If you’re a lame ass, it will show in your behaviors. Only a lame ass with no hobbies obsesses over a girl or relationship.
This isn’t a hard rule, but it’s precise enough that each deviation from it increases your chance of failure. Girls should rank, at best, 5th in your life. Your method of earning income, your family, your friends and your hobbies should all rank above her.
I can’t speak on marriage because I haven’t been there yet, but my guess is her ranking will change (since she is technically part of your family). Until then, this ranking will help you get into a happy relationship.
A happy relationship means you hire slow & fire fast
At no point in the relationship can you be afraid to walk. This is the hardest mindset for guys to develop. Now, the longer you’re with someone the more things should factor into the decision to walk.
However, the one thing that must never be part of the equation is fear. It’s only when you aren’t afraid to be alone that you can be happy in a relationship.
You should walk out on a date once you realize there’s no potential. Don’t do it in a weak ass way. Simply tell a girl you’re not interested, it’s not going to work out, and leave.
The first time I did this, I will admit I had liquid courage. The second time I was clear-eyed, sober and terrified. I wondered if I ruined a potentially good relationship by being unreasonable or “too alpha”.
After thinking through things and seeing her posts on Facebook, I made the right choice. Even if I got together with her, I would have had to downgrade my life and interests to make it work. I haven’t had a problem doing it since.
This is powerful because it forces you to deal with your biggest fear head on and fully in control. All humans are afraid of rejection. Guys, specifically, see potential in every single girl. Their afraid to extinguish that hope prematurely.
It could be hope for a future wife, hope for a same night lay, a kiss, or even just a little attention. Most dudes would rather waste more time and money KNOWING the girl isn’t interested than bounce.
When you aren’t afraid to get rid of girls, you increase your self-esteem and courage. You’ll have more time for hobbies or to meet better-suited prospects. I met my girlfriend because I wasn’t afraid to cut off low-quality women who were a time sink.
This also makes you more attractive. Remember, no one likes a doormat. Especially women. The only difference is how they’ll take advantage of your weakness. A woman will emotionally manipulate a weak man to the point where it’s not possible for him to be happy in a relationship.
Experience will help you
If you don’t know how to deal with a thing, that thing will soon deal with you. It will set the rules for engagement and you’ll be at a disadvantage. This is true for anything with its own goals and priorities. Women are no different.
In many ways, this is how guys become “pussy-whipped”. They simply don’t understand how or lack the requisite courage (see the last point) to deal with a woman.
All things considered equal, the more unhappy a man is in a relationship the less experienced he is with women in general.
When I say experience, I don’t mean being a hardcore player. While it’s true this lifestyle exposes you to several women, it only exposes you to them in a certain way.
The general actions and behaviors of women are such that you’ll learn just enough to make more problems for yourself.
Experience comes from working and going to school with women, dating them, having them as friends, and seeing them in your family. The key to learning is to view their behaviors objectively.
If you view the behavior of women through naivete or bitterness, you’ll never learn and be continually miserable. A favorite saying of mine explains this perfectly:
If you view the world through rose colored glasses, all the red flags look like normal flags.
For 3 years I worked in an all-female office with women ages 22-60. I’ve got a few female friends. I’ve had 3 serious long term relationships (current one included). I also did the PUA thing, cutting my teeth on day game, night game and everything in between. All of this gives varied experience with women and their thinking.
To get more experience with women, you have to make mistakes. These mistakes tend to leave emotional scars and make you apprehensive towards romance.
That’s fine. In fact, it works to your advantage. It prevents impulsiveness and makes it easier for you to follow through with the steps before this section. When you lose false hope and desperation, it’s easier to start a happy relationship.
Drop the fairy tale & face reality
There are no soulmates. There is no such thing as unconditional romantic love. Women don’t love you the same way that you love them. Marriage is an ideal thing in a less than ideal world. Girls like strength and dominance.
If any of these statements made you cringe, you’ve already lost.
These are merely facts. The moment you deny reality it begins to, by definition, work against you. We live in a different world than the one our parents grew up in. The rules and expectations are different. Understand this is the difference between confusion and anger or happiness and contentment.
Force yourself to confront human nature so can predict it. Otherwise, you’ll never be able to learn the nature of women and thus you will always feel ambushed by it. You must confront uncomfortable truths about the world to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself.