Being Alone and Being Lonely

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely.

Being alone is just another way of saying there’s no one else. It has nothing to do with how you feel. In fact, some of your happiest times in life will be when you are alone and there’s no one to bother you.

On the other hand, being lonely is a feeling. And it doesn’t matter how many people are around you or how close they are to you. Many people feel lonely in a crowded room.

You will never be happy if you feel lonely, but being alone has nothing to do with it.

That distinction—between being alone and being lonely—is not the only important distinction I’ll make here, but it might be the most important one. Because if you confuse the two, you’ll spend your life looking for something in a place where it can never be found, and losing stuff that you can’t ever really lose.

If that sounds confusing, the following story will make it clear, and you’ll see more of yourself in this than you might be ready to admit.

But that’s ok, because I’ve got the medicine.

Watch/listen here

Why I Thought I Was an Extrovert

I used to think that I loved going out and being around people—and not just the typical drinking and barhopping that 20-somethings sometimes do on any day of the week that ends in the letter “y.”

I did more than my fair share of partying at bars and frat house basements that looked like something out of a horror movie, but I also did a lot of things that weren’t as bad for my liver as a Mickey Ward.

I spent a lot of time at churches–Latter Day Saints, Unitarian, and regular ol Christian spots. I tried different meet-up groups, joined Mensa for social gatherings (there’s something you never thought you’d hear), and even part of the Rocky Horror Picture Show scene.

For a long time, I was looking for things to do with other people, and it didn’t really matter what it was. And I thought this was just my personality.

And in these groups, attention was easy to come by.

After all, it’s not every day that people in any of these groups get to meet a big black dude from the projects who fights people for fun (and I was still an amateur, so it definitely was for the love of the game) and sings The Eagles and Fleetwood Mac at karaoke.

People thought it was cool, so I thought they were cool for thinking it was cool, and so I loved being around people.

Or so I thought.

Because after doing some post-sobriety soul searching and having a roommate who was *really* bout that extrovert life, I realized that I am not an extrovert.

I was just lonely and afraid of rejection and abandonment. That combination–along with my “I’ll never be a victim or complain” mindset and general aversion to ever complaining or addressing my mental health—because men in their 20s, at least in my day, didn’t do stuff like that—lead to me trying to take on the personality of the people person who was always on and ready to do whatever without whoever, whenever the I had a chance.

Now, I don’t want to paint a picture of myself as a real loner trying to fit in, but one of my best friends is *actually* an extrovert.

When we were in our twenties, he always threw parties, and it wasn’t just to meet girls. Of course, that happened, but he also always had several times where he was just hanging out with the guys, and this guy can be a social function for hours.

And I know he’s not just faking it, because in his 30s, he ended up working in and managing a bar where he met his wife. He’s a loan officer at a bank now, and I suspect the *only* reason he stopped working at the bar is that he wanted to start a family and the lifestyle of managing a popular bar, while satisfying the extrovert itch, isn’t the best for a stable family life.

But now he gets his fix by hosting frequent social gatherings. And really seems to get something from it. Something that I can’t quite understand.

How I Feel After the Party

It helps that we define what an extrovert and an introvert are, because a lot of people have the wrong idea. They think extroverts are always trying to meet new people and interact with everyone, and introverts hate the world and just want to sit at home and read a book by themselves.

There is some truth in both of these descriptions, but it’s not the whole story. In fact, the popular idea behind extroverts and introverts is so incomplete that, for all intents and purposes, it’s wrong.

The difference between the two is actually much simpler than most people realize.

Extroverts gain energy from social interaction. Introverts spend energy during social interaction.

That’s it.

It doesn’t mean extroverts are charismatic. It doesn’t mean introverts are shy. It doesn’t mean one group likes people and the other doesn’t.

An introvert can be the life of the party. An extrovert can be awkward and socially anxious.

The difference is what happens afterward.

After a long day around people, an extrovert often feels refreshed, stimulated, and ready for more. After that same day, an introvert usually feels drained and needs some amount of solitude to recharge.

Also, the distinction isn’t binary. Rather, it exists along a gradient. For example, I probably sit somewhere in the middle, leaning more towards introversion than I thought before. I am exhausted after mingling with lots of people at conferences after I speak. People are all jazzed up to hang out afterward; I just want to retreat to my hotel room or sit by myself with a tasty non-alcoholic drink.

In basic training, I didn’t fantasize about getting back to hanging out with people without all the rules and regulations. My idea of breaking free was to sit at a bar, sip a drink, and listen to whatever music was playing on the jukebox (remember those?).

My wife is definitely an introvert. Because of her business, she occasionally has to interact with large groups of people, also at conferences, and, like me, it exhausts her. Even when she has gatherings with close friends, she needs a break for the rest of the day.

I’ve always looked at group social gatherings as utilitarian. In my 20s, I saw bars, clubs, and parties as a way to either get drunk or meet some girls.

When I stopped drinking and was in the early stages of dating my now wife, I vanished from group gatherings.

Now that my friends all have kids and wives, we actually see each other pretty regularly. But it’s not my favorite way to connect. When I thought it was, it was because I was just lonely.

Why Loneliness Hurts

When you’re dying of thirst, you’ll drink anything. Even if it might make you sick.

Being lonely is a lot like that.

Most people think loneliness is simply the absence of company. It isn’t.

Loneliness is what happens when your mind concludes that you are disconnected from other people in a way that threatens your survival.

That sounds dramatic, but for most of human history, being separated from the tribe wasn’t uncomfortable.

It was dangerous.

A lone human was vulnerable. No one to watch while you slept. No one to help gather food. No one to warn you about danger. No one to help defend you.

The feeling of loneliness is your brain’s way of saying, “Something is wrong. Fix this.”

That’s why lonely people do strange things.

They date people who are waving giant red flags, and stay in relationships they know are bad for them. It’s not always about just getting sex, though that can certainly drive people. A lot of times, it’s just the connection and validation from someone. I know I’ve dated some truly awful people because it was much better than being alone.

Being lonely will make you tolerate disrespect they would never accept under normal circumstances. Worse than that, you’ll look at the disrespect as a sign they care about you, even if their actions are screaming the exact opposite.

You’ll surround yourself with people you don’t even like. I’ve always said that most people are one missed happy hour away from being truly lonely. But these people are at the happy hour because they think that being around people will fill the void but remember, being alone and being lonely are two very different things.

You go to parties you don’t enjoy or stay in bars after you’ve stopped having fun, because—as a good friend of mine once jokingly remarked—it’s better to drink with assholes than to drink alone. He was being funny, but sometimes the realest punches have to be landed in a velvet glove of humor if you ever want them to get through.

I could name many other things people do to alleviate loneliness, but they follow the same idea. We suffered a little because loneliness hurts a lot more

In 2003, psychologist Naomi Eisenberger and colleagues published a study using the “Cyberball” experiment. Participants believed they were playing a virtual ball-tossing game with other people. Eventually, the other “players” excluded them.

When participants experienced social rejection, brain imaging showed increased activity in areas including the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC) and anterior insula—regions also involved in the distress component of physical pain.

But one of the wildest findings came later, and it really drove the point home that loneliness hurts.

In a study published in 2010, participants took either Tylenol or a placebo for several weeks.

Those taking Tylenol reported less hurt feelings from social rejection and showed reduced neural responses to social exclusion compared to the placebo group.

Now, don’t take this to mean that Tylenol is a treatment for loneliness. The effects were modest, and loneliness is far more complex than acute social rejection.

But the Tylenol and Cyberball experiments show that physical and social pain are inextricably intertwined, and our brains seem to treat them the same way. This is, by the way, why I believe people get so pissed about being blocked on X.

It’s rejection. Even if it’s just on a screen between two anonymous strangers, it still hurts. So imagine how much more potent that feeling is when it’s chronic and in person.

Attention Is a Painkiller

Pain changes your standards the same way hunger or thirst changes what you deem palatable.

A hungry person doesn’t care about gourmet food. He wants calories.

A thirsty person doesn’t care where the water comes from. He wants relief.

And a lonely person often isn’t looking for connection. He’s looking for the feeling of not being alone.

Those sound similar, but they’re completely different things.

Connection is nourishing, but attention is a painkiller.

When I was younger, I confused the two.

I wasn’t looking for meaningful relationships. I was looking for evidence that I mattered.

Evidence that people wanted me around, that I wasn’t forgotten, or at least that I belonged somewhere.

And because attention can temporarily silence loneliness, I mistook the relief for fulfillment.

But relief and fulfillment aren’t the same thing.

One lasts until tomorrow.

The other changes tomorrow.

That’s why you can be surrounded by people, getting attention, getting invited places, getting validation, and still feel profoundly lonely.

The pain isn’t caused by a lack of people.

It’s caused by a lack of connection.

And until you understand that distinction, you’ll keep trying to cure loneliness with attention the same way someone might try to cure dehydration with salt water.

You’ll feel better for a moment.

Then somehow end up even thirstier than before. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll force yourself into interactions and make your life even more miserable.

What Good Company Feels Like

You don’t need to be the life of the party. You don’t need to go to any parties.

What you need, more than anything else, is a few solid people. Hell, even just one is enough.

And if you can’t find solid humans you can trust, get a pet.

We just want to feel acknowledged. That feeling of belonging is so powerful that we’ll take being mistreated over someone not getting any treatment at all. And that’s terrible, because it only makes the situation worse.

I’m the first person to say that “no company is worse than bad company,” but you also need to recognize that you need some company. You need a way to not be alone but not subject yourself to people who treat you badly or force you to frequently drink copious amounts of alcohol under the guise of “socializing” or “living your best life.”

This essay wouldn’t be complete without addressing why many people end up feeling lonely in the first place and what damage that causes.

If you’ve been burned by people too many times, I get it. Especially if it happened when you were younger. And now, you pride yourself on no one ever getting close and being to spot someone’s fake nonsense a mile away.

The rest is up to you.