How to Be an Attractive Man
With this post, my goal is simple yet ambitious: I want to reduce being attractive to a core set of traits. The 20 percent of things that you can do that will result in 80 percent of your success with women. This is by no means a complete list nor is it a guide to managing relationships, what to do on a date, psychological warfare, or dealing with last minute resistance. What I want to do is put you on a path where you will do less chasing of women because there will be more chasing you.
In addition to focusing on the small 20 percent that will deliver 80 percent of your results, I have also intentionally focused on things that you can do noticeable work on within a time frame of 3-6 months. I am not a fan of anything given quick or easy but I also realize that if you aren’t even meeting women now, telling you that it will take you 4 years of income and status building will likely diminish your interest. Therefore, I have restricted my focus to the key areas that not only are most important, but that you can noticeably modify in a relatively short amount of time.
With all of the above said, it should be obvious that this list is lacking. Actually, incomplete is a better word. There are a multitude of resources on the internet and in books that can help you cover the finer points of getting women regardless of what your intention is. Girlfriend, fuckbuddy, wife, one-night stands, hell even more female friends. There are entire compendiums that exist to teach the subtle psychological strategies maximizing the other 20 percent of your success but I believe learning all of that is useless if you do not build a respectable foundation. It’s like math: I could try to teach you multiple techniques of integration but if you haven’t learned basic arithmetic, you’re going to be shit out of luck with even the “basics” of an advanced mathematical skill. I am just laying the foundation so that even if you wanted to go study quantum physics, you wouldn’t look like a fish out of water on your first few problem sets. Here is your lesson in the Arithmetic of Women.
Appearance. A man is far more visually stimulated than a woman, but appearance still plays a bigger role than all other traits of a man combined, but only slightly. As a man, your appearance is broken down into three categories: Grooming, physique, and face. You can’t do a thing about your face directly, but the other two things—unless you have Quasimodo like deformities—can take a lot of attention from your face and make you very attractive. For your body, you should aim to hit heavy weights and reduce your body fat to 10-14%. Anything above that and at best, you just look in shape but not distinguishably so and at worst you are soft or fat looking. Anything below is approaching the point of diminishing returns unless you live a place that regularly has you at the beach (think Miami or Southern California). It takes a lot of work if you don’t have genetics on your side. I’d guess about 80 percent of you can comfortably get into the range. The remaining 10 percent will be split between people who can easily go lower and those who have trouble getting to 14.
As for building muscle, do not think in terms of an ideal weight to be at, but rather an ideal BMI. Since I have no idea how tall you are, giving you advice in terms of BMI will work best. Aim for 23 to 27. So, with this guide to building your body, if you are 5’10’’, you will have the best body for attracting women if you are at about 11 percent body fat and weigh 175 to 190. It’s not freakishly huge but you will have a great look of a hybrid model/athlete. Also, that will be more muscle that the average man so don’t fret. Unless you are ridiculously overweight, you can get to your ideal numbers with 3-6 months of eating well and working out right.
As for grooming, it is simple. Clean shaven and a short hair. Unless your black or balding, avoid baldheads and even if you’re black I’d recommend adhering to the following rule: Keep enough hair on your head to demonstrate that you have it and not so much that you look like a hobo or at worst a girl. Maintain it and that’s basically it. The notable exception is for black guys that can rock dreadlocks. They aren’t personally my taste but when well-kept, they don’t look too bad. Armpit and pubic hair are a matter of personal taste and they are the type of things that don’t matter until they don’t matter. Keep your nails and nose hairs trimmed and handle the basics of smelling nice (deodorant and toothpaste).
I debated giving different perspectives on shoes until I remember that my aim is to get you more attractive to women in the shortest amount of time possible. With that said, the basic rule is to avoid anything you’d run in and keep it clean. I’m not going to waste sentences elaborating on that statement. Jeans should be well fitting; not hipster tight or gangster baggy. Shirts should fit and show of all the work you’ve been doing on your body to get to the ideal BMI and body fat percentage. This can be demonstrated with t shirts, button downs or even this new trend of glitter/watercolor shirts. I’m not a fan personally, but I fully recognize that they get the job done in this respect.
To sum it up:
- Get to a 23-27 BMI
- 10-14 percent body fat
- Keep your face shaven and hair and nails cut low
- Get clothes that fit
- Shoes that are clean with no bright colors
Skill/Hobby: Every male needs some type of skill or hobby to separate him from the masses. At one end of the spectrum there are men who do nothing but play video games all day. On the other end, there is the “The Most Interesting Man in the World”. Most men can never be so interesting that the police question them just because they’re so interesting, but no man should be solely consumed by sedentary pursuits such as gaming and web surfing. Your skills and hobbies not only demonstrate that you are interesting and active—girls like this—but also directly or indirectly display status and intelligence.
I’m not going to tell you which hobbies and skills are best for attracting women. That would be impractical because even I could somehow make an argument that singing will you put you around more women and attract them better than a French or salsa class, it will do you no good if you can’t sing. In other word, you’ll want to pick hobbies and skills that already align with your natural tendencies and talents.
Instead, I will lay out general guidelines you should use to select a skill. While your skill or hobby does not have to meet all of these criteria, the more you can check off the better position you will be in and the faster you will see your general results soar. The examples that follow each are not exhaustive.
- Makes you the center of attention. Lead singer of a band, a competitive fighter, involved in politics at an electable level (even if its campus politics, the point is you are the one running, not supporting), or the teacher of a group of people.
- Places you around women. Foreign language classes that women take (the differences in the amount of women between a French class and a Japanese class are astounding), dance, yoga, charity/volunteer work
- Forces you to compete with other men (in person). Any sport, politics, any team, poker
- Demonstrates applied intelligence. Foreign language, musical talent, astrological/occult knowledge, reading people
- Demonstrates applied athleticism. Sports and teams, gym rat, crossfit,
A few things about this list.
- With the exception of putting you around women while forcing you to compete with other men, you can overlap all of these hobbies. There are things that involve four out of the five, but right now—unless my mental abilities escape me—there is really no hobby I can think where you can simultaneously be forced to compete with men AND be surrounded by women.
- With that said, ideally your hobby or skill touches on as many points as possible. If it doesn’t, that’s ok too. In terms of how attractive you become to women, there is a surprisingly small difference between a guy that is the lead singer of a band versus a guy who plays piano well. I’m not saying they’re on the same level, but don’t feel bad. That’s because…
- There are groupies for every male endeavor. The only thing you have to do to discover them is make sure that your skill/hobby can be demonstrated in real time. This is why I make the point of saying applied intelligence or athleticism. Though logic wouldn’t dictate it, you’ll do better with girls if you can read off a bunch of traits from the zodiac and talk about how it reflects her relationships with people than you will if you have a computer science degree hanging on the wall from MIT. This is not factoring how much more money your degree will be making you, but that’s for another discussion. Even if you can’t demonstrate it real time, we live in the digital video age. Make some videos of you playing the piano of your favorite song and watch your hits—and relative popularity—soar. Speaking of groupies…
- There are two ways a skill/hobby will make you attractive. The first is just putting you around women. The second is making women admire you. Of course, if you do both—for example, teaching a self-defense class for women—then you are gold. However, if you HAVE to choose between one, I would say for the sake of getting laid quickly, choose the one that puts you around women. Things that make women admire you tend to take more time to develop. You should get there eventually with some skills, but we’re talking 80/20 and speed here! That brings me nicely into my last point.
- HAVE MORE THAN ONE. The reasons for this are several and I’m not going to list them all, but enough should be obvious to you so that you do not discount this advice. Even if you are just starting out from scratch, you will do FAR better if you can manage to take a Spanish class, learn how to salsa and join an intramural team than if you just decided to learn Spanish. Obviously this does not apply to the very very small group of men that have managed to make their hobby their primary source of income, but even they—who probably don’t need to read this at all—have one or two hobbies unrelated to their job. You should too.
Your first goal is to make friends that do things. Before I go any further, realize that I am not telling you to get rid of your old friends. Unless you’re a masochist who hangs out with people based on how shitty they make you feel, friends that you have built over the years offer you something WAY more important than women—even if it comes in the form of excessive amounts of beer and video games every weekend. But if you want to meet women and your current crew does not have any interest in expanding their social circle beyond a bunch of dudes or internet friends, you will have to adjust accordingly.
Making friends is one of those simple, but not easy tasks. Not until you practice anyhow. An excellent primer on the subject is Dale Carnegie’s “How to Make Friends and Influence People.” I strongly recommend it. In fact, since I’m writing briefly and to the point, consider it required reading. I also have a very short primer here. Take that knowledge, and apply to whatever groups of people you plan to make friends within. Ideally, it will be in groups where you have chosen to develop your hobbies and interest. This will expand you to their friends, more people, and a lot of them will be women. It’s important to be well liked by people and have them want you to be around, because these new friends will do lots of the work for you when it comes to meeting women. Simply learn how to make friends, have good polite manners around people, be interesting (which will come from your hobbies) and you will be invited to many places and your requests to hang out will not be turned down. Pretty soon you will have more parties and events to than you schedule can accommodate. There will be lots of women at these places and you will come pre-qualified as an ok human being.
At this point of discussing social skills, two things NEED to be said. First, do not forget this article is in the business of what’s fast and effective. I am telling you to be social and friendly, not to run Game. If you know it and you still aren’t meeting women, then perhaps this guide isn’t for you. But much more likely, you need to work on the appearance and being interesting portion of this guide a bit more. Game, as we know it, works just fine. But it’s a surprisingly time consuming process to get proficient with the tool.
Two, in the business of making friends, you need to get in the habit of befriending women. A lot of dudes want to come at girls with a “pussy or bust” attitude but, por favor, don’t do that. First, nothing kills your chances like desperation. Two, she probably has friends and some of them are bound to be attractive. If you see yourself befriending her, you will more than likely get introduced to a lot of women this way. However, there comes a point where you have to decide you want to get practice moving beyond the platonic. This brings us to…
Approaching. I really wanted to put this first, but telling a guy to approach who has not put the time into his body and creating a worthwhile lifestyle is like telling a homeless man that to solve all of his problems he needs to make investments. Sure, that probably would make him money, but to make investments, you need something work with. If your goal was sex and nothing else, then the fastest way (legally) possible would be for you to go out and approach a lot of women. After 100 hundred approaches where you try whatever, either you’d get laid, kill yourself because none of them bit, or come to the much more reasonable conclusion that some things about yourself—and your approach—need to be altered. However, let’s not take the path of most resistance if we don’t have to. There is a very good reason why approaching is listed last.
Let’s imagine you got this guide in parts. You worked on your body. Only after you reached the requirements there were you given the hobbies/skills part. Once you developed some there, you were given the socialization part. Once you master the art of making friends you get the last part. In reality, what would probably happen to you is that somewhere along the tail end of getting hobbies/skills and learning socialization, you’d probably still manage to meet some girls just being you. This is before you approach a single girl on your own. Many guys spend their entire lives thinking they actually know what they’re doing because they never had been put in a situation to approach women. If you are that lucky, more power to you. But since you will more than likely at some point be without such luck, take this basic primer to approaching to heart.
Your only goal for approaching, from the 80/20 perspective, is to get a date right then and there (date as defined by spending a set amount of time getting to know each other which can take many forms) or to get a phone number to set something up later. That’s it. A lot of guys in the game talk about flakes—girls that act interested but never return texts or will, and then won’t meet up. I have never been flake proof but I have worked diligently to reduce my flake rate to something psychologically manageable. The best way to do that is to use those social skills to make a connection so the girl doesn’t feel like you were a creepy stranger just trying to get in her pants. This is easier than it sounds. You can go read a bunch of stuff on game, or for the quickest results, refer to and read Dale Carnegie’s book I’ve already recommended. You’re probably lacking in some of the basic skills to build new social connections and this will help.
That is all. Get in shape, get interesting, get social, go meet girls. That’s basically the 20 percent that accounts for 80 percent of your success. I didn’t talk about making lots of money, escalating and getting girls alone, dealing with last minute resistance, masculinity, inner game, opening lines, reading women, etc. Those things have their place, but I’m talking about the most important things combined with what you can do the most quickly. It is arguable that money should be included here, but greatly increasing your income is a task in and of itself.
It is my experience that all things I HAVE talked about account for most of the success of players I’ve watched with much better success rates than myself. If you master those things, you will make some mistakes but you’ll eventually stumble into what works. After all, your grandfather didn’t have access to this knowledge and somehow you still got here.