A Man's Rules For a Happy Relationship, Part 1
Many people keep asking, “How does your relationship work with you being red pill?”, “What’s your secret to making your relationship work?” or some variation on those two questions. Basically, guys seem curious how I can have swallowed the red pill AND be in a committed lasting relationship.
The two aren’t mutually exclusive. There’s a wealth of information out there on running game, meeting chicks off tinder, and learning the bachelor side of things. There is little information out there on being in a relationship that isn’t some beta bullshit, “happy wife, happy life” nonsense. Not every guy wants to be a lifelong playboy so I’m here to fill the knowledge gap on this side of things.
This is from my experiences as a man in a relationship for 4 years that’s going well with no sign of ending soon. Even if I was somehow blindsided by a breakup, it wouldn’t discount anything I’m saying here. That’s because I’m not giving you techniques to make a relationship last forever—no one can do that. Instead, I’m telling you how to make sure that you are happy and fulfilled.
That’s what ultimately matters. If you read no further than the introduction, remember the following statement with you: “Happy life, happy wife”. If you get that right, you’ve won the most important battle in a relationship. Get it wrong, and you’ll forever hate your life and wonder why none of your relationships last.
The first part of this series is the necessary mindset. As the saying goes, “Well begun is half done.” It’s not up to me tell you if you’re ready for a relationship. I’m assuming you are at least interested in one. Even if you aren’t, this is still educational. I thought hard before crafting this list. These are the 5 essential mindsets I possessed when I got into my relationship.
Become What You Want.This is going to sound obvious, but it needs to be stated. You have to be the person you wish to attract. Actually, due to the effects of hypergamy, you need to be slightly more than the traits you hope to attract.
If you want an intelligent woman, you need to be of at least average intelligence. If you want a woman that’s fit and healthy, you need to live in the gym. If you want a feminine woman, you need to be dominant and masculine male.
The list can go on, but the bottom line is that whatever trait is important to you, you need the same trait (or it’s masculine equivalent) at greater levels than you desire. It’s not fair, but men don’t complain about fairness. We just adapt so that we can get what we want.
Have a life. Have some goals. Know your priorities. The goals aren’t to attract her. The lifestyle isn’t for her. These are for you. No woman wants to be your top priority. What type of man only has his work, sports to watch on the weekend, and Netflix? The type that is likely to obsess over a girl, the relationship (if it even gets that far) and will ultimately sabotage things.
This isn’t a blog piece on evolutionary psychology or it’s theories, but the following is necessary to make this point clear.
Humans get together to mate. For guys, most of the information used to make a mating decision is displayed in a girl’s physical appearance. It’s why we really don’t care about a girl’s personality. It has no bearing on her reproductive abilities. Girls and looking for security because not only are they physically weaker, but that pregnancy thing makes a girl unable to fend off attacks.
Forget all the modern social conditioning nonsense they try to put in your mind. This is the result of evolution, it’s been happening for millions of years, and 100 years of social upheaval won’t change that.
In the hypergamous search for a provider and protector, she can’t tell much about you beyond your appearance. The rest of your life and your behaviors provide a clue to your evolutionary fitness. If you’re a lame ass, it’s going to show in your behaviors because only a lame ass with no hobbies will obsess over any girl or relationship.
This isn’t a hard fast rule, but it’s precise enough that each deviation from it increases your chance of failure. Girls should rank, at best, 5th in your life. Your method of earning income, your family, your friends and your hobbies should all rank above her. I can’t speak on marriage because I haven’t been there yet, but my guess is that at that point her ranking will change (since she is technically part of your family). For now, take this as a rule. Break at your own peril.
Hire Slow. Fire fast (Part 1).For now, we’ll talk about the firing part. This is the hardest mindset for guys to develop. At no point in the relationship can you be afraid to walk. Now, the longer you’re with someone the more things should factor into the decision to walk but the one thing that must never be part of the equation is fear. It’s only when you aren’t afraid to be alone that you are capable of ending up with someone worthwhile.
An exercise I recommend every man should try is walking out on a date once you realize there’s no potential for anything. You can’t do it in some weak ass “say I’m going to the bathroom, then sneak out the back” sorta way. That’s a weak man’s way. Simply tell a girl you’re not interested, it’s not going to work out, and you’re ending it.
The first time I did this, I will admit I had liquid courage. The second time I was clear-eyed, sober and terrified. I wasn’t worried about her reaction, but I wondered if I had crushed a potentially good relationship by being unreasonable or “too alpha”. Well trusting my intuition saved me from a low-quality woman whom even if I’d ended up with, I’d have to downgrade my life and interests to make it work. I haven’t had a problem doing it since.
This is so powerful is because it forces you to deal with your biggest fear head on and fully in control. All humans are afraid of rejection. Guys, specifically see potential in every single girl and their afraid to extinguish that hope prematurely.
It could be hope for a future wife, hope for a same night lay, a kiss, or even just a little attention. Most dudes would rather waste another hour and more money KNOWING that the girl isn’t interested than man up and bounce.
When you aren’t afraid to get rid of girls, you increase your self-esteem and courage. You also free up your time to do some of those hobbies you have or to meet better-suited prospects. One of the main reasons I met my current girlfriend and the one before her is that I had no problem getting rid of deadweight, low-quality women that were a time sink, thus freeing up time to meet them.
This also has the ironic result of making you more attractive. Remember, no one likes a doormat. Especially women. The only difference between a man and a woman is how they will take advantage of your weakness.
Experience. If you don’t know how to deal with a thing, that thing will soon deal with you. It will set the rules for engagement and you will be at a disadvantage. This is especially true for anything with its own goals and priorities. Women are no different.
In many ways, this is how guys become “pussy-whipped”. They simply don’t understand how or lack the requisite courage (see the last point) to deal with a woman. All things considered equal, the more unhappy a man is in a relationship the less experienced he is with women in general.
When I say experience, I’m not only talking about being a hardcore player and hooking up with a bunch of girls. While it’s true that a lifestyle like this exposes you to a lot of women, it only exposes you to women in a certain way. The general actions and behaviors of women are such that you’ll learn just enough to make more problems for yourself.
Experience comes from working or going to school with women, dating them, having them as friends and seeing them in your family. The key to learning from that experience is to view their behaviors objectively and learn from it. If you view the behavior of women through rose-colored glasses or bitterness, you’ll never learn and continually find yourself in a world of misery.
I spent 3 years of my life working in the all-female office of a non-profit with women ranging from ages 22 to 60. I’ve got a few female friends, but not as much as I had during my purple till teenage days. I’ve had 3 serious long term relationships (current one included) and went through my PUA phase, cutting my teeth on day game, night game and everything in between. All of this gives me a lot of experience with women and their thinking.
The unfortunate nature of experience with women is that to get more of it, you have to make mistakes with them. These mistakes tend to leave emotional scars and make one apprehensive about pursuing anything.
That’s fine. In fact, it works to your advantage. It keeps you from being over anxious and makes it easier for you to follow through with the steps before this section. When you’re able to see a woman with eyes unclouded by false hope or desperation to settle down, it becomes easier to make a sound decision.
The definition of pussy whipped!
Drop the fairy tale. There are no soulmates. There is no such thing as unconditional love for a partner. Women don’t love you the same way that you love them. Marriage is an ideal thing in a less than ideal world.Girls like strength and dominance. If any of the statements above made you cringe, you’re already bringing a knife to a gunfight. It’s likely not going to end well for you.
These are merely statements of reality. The moment you deny reality it begins to, by definition, work against you. The way your grandparents did things doesn’t matter because we live in a dramatically different world than even our parents grew up in. The rules and expectations are different. Knowing them can be the difference in confusion and anger or happiness and contentment.
Get this bullshit out your head
The reason you have to confront uncomfortable truths about the world is so that you can confront uncomfortable truths about yourself. It is only by forcing yourself to stare into the abyss of human nature that you learn how to predict it. Otherwise, you’ll never be able to learn the nature of women and thus you will always feel ambushed by it.
In Part 2 we’ll discuss the signs of a woman that makes for a good relationship and where she might be hiding. Or if she’s even hiding at all…